Some performers
can make love to the camera.
Garbo did.
Monroe did.
So could you.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
Could you take your top off, please?
- What?
- Could you take your blouse off?
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
What's the matter?
You're acting like some dumb kid.
- I thought you were a professional.
- I am.
Well, then what's the problem?
I can't.
That's better.
That's lovely.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Could you arch your back?
Arch your back a little, Coco.
Smile for me, Coco.
Come on, Coco. Smile, smile.
Smile for me.
Now take your thumb...
...and put it in your mouth...
...like a little schoolgirl.
You ever notice that
black news reporters...
...get hired because
they have white accents?
They should hire a more natural guy,
a dude from the street.
"This is Rufus X with the news... "
I need something.
Sleep.
- Something to keep me flying.
- Like what?
Like by way of your witch doctor.
I don't see Dr. Golden anymore.
You know that.
Anyway, you've been taking too much.
- Thanks, Marcus Welby.
- I know what I'm talking about.
Why don't you get off my fucking case?
- I'm your friend.
- You're my friend? Really?
I know what you've been
after, you goddamn faggot.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Good. You do that.
Hi. You got a problem?
Yeah, I do.
We never see you anymore.
You see me plenty.
Drinking with your new friends
after the show.
After the show is when
all the big names come in.
You meet people. That's what counts.
I hate drinking. I'm doing this
for my future. For our future.
You're doing this for some image,
for Freddie because he did it.
- Yeah? Maybe.
- Yeah? Well, he died doing it.
- He could have been a real actor.
- He was!
He was funny and charming
and he made people laugh. That's it.
- That's plenty!
- That's not enough! Not for you!
- Jesus Christ!
- You are good, Ralph.
- You're seriously really good.
- Jesus.
You're full of rage and pain and love.
Not just jokes. You're an original.
The original Ralph Garci.
- You don't have to be somebody else.
- You're bringing me down!
- You're bringing me fucking down!
- I'm sorry!
I gotta go make people laugh, and
you're talking about rage and pain.
- I said I'm sorry!
- It takes fucking wings.
Miss Seriously, let me tear flypaper, huh?
Give me a fucking break, honey!
Give me a fucking break.
Okay, pal? Thank you.
- What's happening to you?
- What's happening to me? Success.
Now, you either hang on or hang up.
All right?
It's a great pleasure to introduce
a young man who's funny and loud.
Especially during my act.
Please welcome the comedy stylings
of Ralph Garci, ladies and gentlemen.
That's right. My name is Ralph Garci,
and I'm a professional asshole.
That's right. I see we have a couple
of amateurs in the audience tonight.
Don't we?
I see. How about sign language?
We have a standing ovation
over there.
That's great. Hon, where you from?
Okey-dokey. That's my best friend.
Yeah, friends are important.
I live in the South Bronx, and up there,
you got the Harlems of-
Shit! I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Fuck it.
That was supposed to be...
The north- The countries north
of Harlem and west of Puerto Rico.
That's what it was supposed to be.
Yes, indeed it was.
Anyway, there's lots of things there:
Rats, cockroaches,
and, you know, little bugs.
You know what cockroaches are?
Little things that crawl in the night.
Listen, I don't mean to alarm you,
but if you don't laugh, you'll get cancer.
Sorry. That was probably in bad taste,
and I didn't really...
Excuse me. Fuck it.
Thank you very much.
What do you want?
Pizza sounds good.
You wanna eat?
Could you give me a break, all right?
We could split a special,
with anchovies, maybe.
Fuck anchovies. I died out there,
you're talking about fucking pizzas?
- No, I'm talking about eating pizzas.
- Oh, that's very funny. You're a howl.
You should have been out there.
The audience hated me.
- You had a bad